"I don't want to feel this way." "I just want these feelings to go away." These are phrases I hear often in my work, and I deeply understand the desire behind them. We all naturally gravitate toward feeling good and want to avoid emotional pain. This instinct is completely normal and valid – who wouldn't prefer to feel happy, peaceful, and content all the time? When someone is hurting, the last thing they need is to have their feelings dismissed or to be told they "shouldn't" feel a certain way. Their pain is real, their feelings matter, and their experiences deserve to be honored.
Yet there's a profound wisdom about the relationship between pain and suffering. Pain is an inevitable part of the human experience. Suffering comes not from the pain itself, but from our resistance to it – our desperate attempts to avoid or eliminate uncomfortable feelings (Tartakovsky, 2022). When we fight against our emotions, we often end up adding layers of shame, frustration, and self-judgment to our original distress.
We all experience emotions - some comfortable, some uncomfortable. Yet many of us struggle with allowing ourselves to feel certain emotions, often judging ourselves for having these feelings in the first place. This tendency to label emotions as "good" or "bad" can actually make difficult feelings even harder to process. Accepting our full range of emotions isn't about diminishing our pain or suggesting we should be happy about feeling bad – it's about recognizing that experiencing both comfort and discomfort is part of what makes us human.
Reframing Our View of Emotions
When someone says "I feel bad," they're not actually describing their emotion - they're making a judgment about their feelings. Instead of viewing emotions as "good" or "bad," let's consider them as "comfortable" and "uncomfortable." There are feelings we naturally enjoy, like happiness, joy, and satisfaction, and feelings we tend to dislike, such as sadness, anxiety, fear, and anger.
But just because we don't like something doesn't mean it's bad. Consider medicine as an analogy: Most of us probably don't enjoy the taste of Pepto-Bismol - it's thick, chalky, and the mint or cherry flavoring is questionable at best. Yet despite its unpleasant taste, it helps relieve an upset stomach. Emotions work similarly - they might not feel pleasant, but they serve an important purpose.
The Value of Uncomfortable Feelings
Our bodies and emotions are pretty incredible systems that work together to keep us safe and healthy. Physical and emotional discomfort don't feel good, but they both tell us something important. It's like having your own personal alarm system. Discomfort is how our body lets us know something’s up.
Value of Physical Discomfort:
Hunger tells us that we need food to refuel
Fatigue let’s us know when we need rest to recharge
A fever indicates your immune system is actively fighting infection
Physical pain let’s us know if we’re in danger (Imagine touching a hot stove without the ability to feel pain.)
Physical sensations, though unpleasant, are essential feedback mechanisms that keep us safe and healthy. This same principle applies to our emotions.
Value of Emotional Discomfort:
Fear helps us identify and respond to threats. You get a surge of adrenaline, your heart rate picks up, and your breathing increases, which allow you to run or fight.
Anger often signals when our boundaries have been violated. It motivates us to stand up for ourselves or others and can fuel positive change.
Guilt, while uncomfortable, helps us recognize when we've acted against our values and prompts us to make amends or behave differently in the future.
Sadness after a loss helps us process change and honor what matters to us. It also helps us draw support from others and strengthen connection.
Anxiety before important events can motivate us to prepare and perform at our best.
What Emotional Acceptance Means
When I talk to people about allowing uncomfortable feelings, I usually get a skeptical look that says, “What are you talking about?,” “Why would I want to do that?,” or “Isn’t the point to make it go away?”
And in a way, YES! We all want to live satisfying, happy, peaceful lives. But sometimes the best way to get there is by riding the wave, rather than resisting. You’ve probably heard the phrase, “the only way out is through.” Think of emotional acceptance as floating with the current. If we're caught in a current, it's tempting to fight against it to escape, which leads to fatigue and exhaustion. But if we allow the current to take us, it will gradually weaken, allowing us to reach shore (Shpancer, 2010).
Emotional acceptance means:
Acknowledging feelings without judgment
Understanding that all emotions are valid and natural
Allowing yourself to experience feelings without trying to immediately change them
Recognizing that acceptance doesn't mean your feelings will instantly change
When we accept our emotions, we're not doing so with the expectation that uncomfortable feelings will disappear within minutes. Instead, we're creating space for our authentic experience while engaging in activities that support our wellbeing.
What Emotional Acceptance Doesn't Mean
Now that we’ve tackled the value of emotions and what emotional acceptance means, let’s talk about what it’s not.
Emotional acceptance is not:
Resignation or giving up
Allowing harmful situations to continue
Accepting abuse or neglect
Letting emotions control your actions
Wallowing in negative feelings
Forcing yourself to be happy
Liking the situation you’re in
Emotional acceptance is about accepting our feelings and what we may not have control over in the moment. Psychologist Noam Shpancer (2010) compares emotional acceptance to accepting the weather. We may not like it when it’s cold or rainy, but you can’t make it stop. Your only choice is to accept that it’s raining and adjust your plans accordingly. You can grab a raincoat or umbrella, hold off until the rain dies down, or plan for another day. In the same manner, we can’t always control how we feel. But we can choose how we respond to our feelings.
Practical Tips for Accepting Emotions
Ready to take the leap and ride the wave? Here are some tips!
Stop Judging Your Feelings
Catch yourself when you label emotions as "good" or "bad"
Practice saying "It makes sense that I feel this way" instead of "I shouldn't feel this way"
Remember that having feelings doesn't make you weak or inadequate
Recognize the Universality of Emotions
Remember that every human experiences the full spectrum of emotions
Understand that even uncomfortable emotions are a natural part of life
Connect with others who can relate to your experiences
Give Yourself Time
Remember that emotions are temporary, even when they feel overwhelming
Allow feelings to naturally rise and fall without forcing them to change
Trust in your ability to handle difficult emotions
Listen to Your Emotions
Treat emotions as messengers carrying important information
Ask yourself what your feelings might be trying to tell you
Use emotional awareness to guide decision-making and self-care
Remember, accepting your emotions doesn't mean you'll never feel uncomfortable - it means you're creating a healthier relationship with all of your feelings, leading to greater emotional resilience and wellbeing.
References
Shpancer, N. (2010, September 8). Emotional Acceptance: Why Feeling Bad is Good. Psychology Today.
Tartakovsky, M. (2022, July 14). How to Stop Suffering from Painful Emotions. PsychCentral.